so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
