my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
