He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
