Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I need water and some morals
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
