Rock
Scissors
Fuck
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
