We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
