I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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