no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize