you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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