This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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