i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
