Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
