I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
