He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize