I think I won the penis lottery.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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