I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
