My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
