Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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