I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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