Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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