TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
