the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
