i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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