apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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