update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
