words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
