Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
