Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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