why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
