I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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