I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
