I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
