Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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