I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
