He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize