ya dads aren't the best wingmen
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Randomize
