Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
