You don't have asthma, your pregnant
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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