Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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