Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
