What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
