I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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