Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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