I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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