never play flip cup with pint glasses
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
