wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
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