I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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