If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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