Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize
