Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i think im in europe. pls send help
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
