I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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