Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
