yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
