My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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