I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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