I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
