Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
