I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
