This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
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