He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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